Let's face it - having a girl is FUN!

The other day, when Evan was at preschool, Ally and I ran to the store to get some fall/winter clothes for them. I got her a new headband with a bow on it, that (of course) she loved.

I put it on her as soon as we got home. Then she immediately cries out, "TUTU! TUTU!!!". A girl needs to accessorize, ya' know. LOL!

So I put her 'ballerina tutu' (as we refer to it) on her, and LORD that girl looked darling! She got all hammy and wanted me to take her picture - she NEVER wants me to take her picture! So I was all over it. Above are her poses for Mama.

Let's face it: girls are freaking FUN sometimes!!! :-)

Thank you, Modern Medicine...

Well, I've now been BACK on Lexapro for several days and I already feel a difference. Like I can breathe again. Like I can COPE again. Like I can be a civilized human being again.

The anxiety & depression hit me like a ton of bricks again, and I knew I had to do something about it... and fast. I had weaned myself off of Lexapro right when I got my first positive pregnancy test (I weaned myself over the course of a couple of weeks). I really wanted to NOT be on it while pregnant, if possible.

However, reality knocked on the door - well, POUNDED THE DOOR DOWN, is more like it. My kids, my husband, my poor unborn child and I were all suffering badly. I know that severe maternal anxiety can cause developmental issues with the fetus. And Lord knows I would never forgive myself if I caused some severe disability for my child.

So here I am, medicated.

At first, I felt like a complete failure for not being able to go without the meds. I was down on myself & basically hated myself for a little while there.

Then a friend of mine said something that changed my mind. She said, "Jodi, if you're a diabetic, you don't stop taking your insulin, do you? Why should this be any different? If you need it - TAKE IT."

I took that to heart, and now I couldn't be happier that I made the decision to go back on the meds. Clearly I need them. Does this make me a weak person or someone who is "less than" in some way? Hell no. It makes me someone who recognizes that I, like everyone else, have issues. And it's up to ME to do something about it.

Who knew?

That people would buy SO MUCH of my crap?!?!?! I organized a set of garage sales on our street, which took place this morning.

We sold SOOOOOOOOOO much crap, and it feels like Heaven to get rid of it!!! There's only one carload of stuff left, to bring to Goodwill.

We had more books than a library which was a HIT with the shoppers, apparently.

Anyhow, I'm exhausted beyond all comprehension from organizing and running it all. But OH how it was worth it!!! Yippeeee!!!!

(now if I could just convince Tim to let me use some of the profits to get the Kindle I've had my eye on!!!) LOL! NOTE TO SELF: that won't happen. hee hee

What a couple of days...

OK, so we've had a helluva time the past 2 nights with the kids not sleeping. Two nights ago, here's how it went:

Ally has had an ongoing problem with horrible constipation. Sometimes it gets really bad. Night before last being one of those times.

This is the second time in her life she's done this, but SHE. DIDN'T. SLEEP. HARDLY. AT. ALL.

Put her down for bed at 8pm. She finally went to sleep around 9:30. I went to go to sleep at 11pm. She woke up at 10:55. I went in to her, calmed her and put her back down.

I could NOT go to sleep then. I think it was around midnight when I finally drifted off.

Then at 12:15 she woke again. Tim went in to her, but I was awake and agitated and couldn't go back to sleep. Again.

2am: awake. I go in. Calm her back down, and take forever to go back to sleep.

4am: awake. I go in to her. Try to get her to sleep on my chest (this has worked before). Worked for 15 minutes, then she wouldn't hear of it. Tried to sleep on the floor next to her bed. No luck. Finally gave up at 4:40am.

5:00am: Tim went in to her while I laid in bed cursing like a SAILOR.

About 5:40am: I finally fall asleep.

6:30am: Alarm goes off. Time to get up.

And the thing is, she wasn't fussing/crying at all, the whole time. She would just open & close her door really loudly, where it would wake us up. I didn't want her waking Evan, since the next day was his first day back to preschool, which is why we hurried in to her each time. So I couldn't just let her fuss it out in this case. Besides, I knew she was uncomfortable.

Fast forward to last night:

Ally slept perfectly all night long. EVAN, however, woke us up by crying and yelling at his bedroom door. FOUR TIMES. And why??? Because he had a booger in his nose that we couldn't get out. REALLY, Evan???? REALLY?!?!?! Three Year Old logic - it kills me.

Anyhow, Tim insisted on going to him on 3 of the occasions. But unfortunately, I was still awake. So today I was a MESS. Couldn't WAIT until naptime!

Naptime comes. Ally didn't sleep for ONE SECOND. Which means no nap for sleep deprived Mama, either. I bawled like a baby. My anxiety spiraled out of control, to where I screamed so loud at the kids that my throat is killing me (serves me right, I guess). It didn't help when they were both dancing on the glass-top coffee table, despite my repeated attempts to get them to stop... and then when I yelled at them, they both laughed their heads off at me!!!!

That sent me off the deep end. I put them in their rooms (for their safety) and called Tim to cry and vent.

Luckily, I somehow made it to the end of the day. Ally is (thank God) asleep. And although Evan's not asleep, he's at least in bed.

Let's pray for a better night tonight and a better day tomorrow!!!!

Evan's 1st day back to preschool

Well, Little Man is back at preschool. And I think it took him all of 5 minutes to get back in the swing of things! He had a GREAT morning, although he was a little bummed that 3 of his little buddies from last school year are no longer in his class (they've moved on to pre-K).

When he got in the car to go home, he said, "I missed you, Mama! I missed you, Ally! I missed Daddy, too! I love you, Mama!". OMG - really???? Could he BE any cuter?!?!?! SO sweet.

Then later on, he said, "Mama, I learned a LOT at school today!" . I said, "Oh really??? What did you learn?". His answer? "TOYS." LMAO! Man, preschool rocks!!!

Here's a pic of him before walking in to school this morning. He flatly refused to look at me or smile (or take his hand away from his face). Oh well... he's still as darling as can be!

Back to Preschool for Evan tomorrow!

WOO HOO!!!! Is it wrong that I'm excited about this??? LOL!

It's only for 3 hours each morning, from Monday through Thursday. But it gives Evan some much-needed socialization time with his peers & gives Ally and I much-needed 1-on-1 time.

I can't believe my Baby Girl is going to start preschool next school year! WAH! It's so funny how different your mentality is for your older child and younger child. I guess my grandparents (who raised me) were right when they said even when I grew up they'd always see me as the baby.

I also can't believe my baby is going to be a BIG SISTER! I can't even imagine her not being my youngest. But I know she'll be a little mommy to her baby brother or sister. She's in LOVE with babies.

Evan, on the other hand.... well.... he's going to take a lot more adjustment.

Poor little man. He just does not "do" change. It rocks his world. He hated my guts for a good 2 months after Ally was born; and he was only 18 months old and non-verbal at the time!!! So I can only imagine what grief he's going to give me this time around.

Whenever I hold other people's babies he tells me, "Put the baby DOWN, Mama!".

Oh boy... what have I gotten myself in to??? LOL!

WHEW! What a weekend!!

Tim took a couple of days off of work at the end of this week, so we could have some family time before Evan goes back to preschool on Tuesday.

I *love* it when he's home, but he's definitely not one to sit around the house - ever!

On Thursday, we got ready early and went to the St. Louis Zoo as soon as it opened. Once we were there we visited the Caribbean Cove stingray exhibit, where you can pet the stingrays. It's always been so crowded when we've gone before that we've never actually gotten to see the exhibit before.

It was really cool, although Evan was too chicken to touch any of them. LOL!

Other than that, we did the normal zoo stuff: seeing the monkeys, giraffes, bears, penguins (Ally's fave), etc. After that we came home for nap time (for ALL of us). Once we got up from naps, we headed back out. This time for Evan's preschool "meet the teachers" fair. Evan got to get reacquainted with his teachers and some of his old friends from last school year. At first he was VERY trepidacious; Evan is NOT a kid who likes any change from what he's accustomed to. And it's been a while since he's been in that environment. But he warmed up after a while, and ended up striking up a conversation with his speech therapist, Miss Katie.

On Friday morning, we headed out (first thing) for The Magic House. The kids ALWAYS love it there. There is so much to do, and no shortage of things to keep them occupied.

Then on Friday afternoon we all went to Chuck E Cheese's, because this was Evan's promised prize for pooping on the potty for the first time several days ago (he hasn't pooped on the potty SINCE then, though - WAH!). HOLY CRAP, that place should come with a warning: if you don't have ADHD when you walk through the doors, you surely will by the time you leave! It was utter mayhem. Noisy, crazy, crowded, etc. They were both too over-stimulated to really know where to begin. But in the end, we found a couple of toddler-friendly games that they could play.

Once we finished up playing at Chuck E Cheese's, we wanted to eat real food (not Chuck's pizza - LOL). So we headed over to O'Charley's - gotta love their Kids Eat Free menu!!! Then headed home after that.

All of these things are fun. But GEEZ LOUISE, there's only so much excitement a girl in her first trimester can handle! I was BEYOND exhausted & begged Tim to have an around-the-house day today (Saturday). So we actually got some things done that needed to be done.

It was so incredibly sweet of Tim to take the time to make sure he spends quality time with the kids. He's such an AMAZINGLY involved and caring father. I often think of how lucky our kids are to have him as a father; of course, he's all they've every known so they don't know any different. Having come from a VERRRRRRY different type of upbringing than my kids have, I think it makes me appreciate him all the more. I feel like my kids have won the Daddy Lottery.

8 weeks 3 days - ultrasound

Well, I went in for my 8 week 3 day ultrasound a couple of days ago, and it went GREAT!!! Baby's heart rate was measuring at 180 - WOAH! SOMEONE was doing their work-out that morning (hint: not me! LOL)

Baby was measuring precisely where it should for my due date, which is March 21.

While I was looking at it on the screen, I could clearly see the head and arm & leg buds forming. Unfortunately, the pic I got wasn't that great.

Heeeeeeeere's Baby!

WHO IS ALLY?

So, who is Ally?

When Ally first arrived in my arms, it was (of course) love at first sight. She was beautiful & perfect.

When we got home from the hospital???? That's another story entirely. She was QUITE unhappy for the first several days home from the hospital. I think she missed Mama's warm belly!

But after a few short days, she began to understand where she was and began to show her true colors. She turned in to a pretty easily calmed baby. She drank more than I've ever seen a baby consume, but she sure was fat & happy! LOL!

When she was a couple months old, I went through a very, very scary period where I had full-blown Post Partum Depression. Thanks to Lexapro, I was able to kick it eventually. It was a very dark time for me, and I'd rather not relive it - even on here.

As she got older, her personality was starting to take shape. She loved watching her big brother play & do his thing. But Heaven forbid she should TOUCH his toys! LOL! Ah... the joy of siblings, right????

She's developed in to a happy-go-lucky, (mostly) care-free, FUNNY girl. She loves to put on her "CHOO CHOO" (tu-tu) and be a "REENA" (ballerina). She loves anything having to do with Dora or Disney Princesses. She loves to sing songs, bounce around, dance & cuddle.

One of her (and my) favorite things is after she takes a nap: she's still groggy and likes to lie down on Mama's belly with her head on my chest, while I stroke her back. It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO wonderful and I could do it all day long. My little cuddle bug. I'm dreading the day when my pregnant belly gets too big to do it!!! :-(

WHO IS EVAN?

I thought I'd do a little "get to know you" of my precious boy, Evan.

Being my first child, Evan is the one that taught me how to be a Mommy. When we first brought him home from the hospital, he was NOT a happy camper. ALWAYS crying. ALWAYS fussy. I was thinking to myself, "Oh My God, what have I gotten myself in to????" LOL!!!

Although the first weeks as a new Mom were rocky to say the least, once we began to get in our own comfort zone, I was able to experience the first moments of pure unadulterated joy with my son. He was my little boxer man. From the moment he came out of the womb, he was swinging that crazy right arm of his. Always moving & squirming - he was Mama's busy boy!

My friends named him Super Baby. He was crawling at 4-1/2 months old and RUNNING at 10 months old. He ran circles around other kids his age! My little dynamo!!!! I was so proud.

As Evan began to get a little older, it became pretty apparent to me that something was - different - about my son, though. He very, very rarely smiled (especially not social smiles). He wasn't talking AT ALL, long after his friends were talking. He rarely responded to his name. He never let me cuddle with him. I used to explain away my worries by saying, "He's just my serious boy. He's a THINKER."

After a while it became apparent that there was something else going on. Long story short, I had him evaluated, and it turns out that he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified). Which, according to the neurologist, means he is mildly autistic. I *knew* this in my heart for a while before it was confirmed by the neurologist, so when he was diagnosed, I was actually RELIEVED. This meant we would be able to get early intervention for him at least!!!

We had in-home speech, developmental and occupational therapy for him from 19 months old until he turned 3 and aged out of the program. Developmental therapy focused on more social behaviors, Occupational Therapy focused on sensory & eating issues and Speech Therapy is - well, pretty self-explanatory.

Once he turned 3, he was evaluated by Special School District and qualified to go to a local preschool that is a mixed class. Half of the class is kids with special needs and the other half is typically-developing children. I was THRILLED that he would get this amazing opportunity!!!!

So since he turned 3 at the end of 2008, he's been going there. It has done WONDERS for Evan. He still gets speech and occupational therapy at school, too!

***EVAN TODAY***

Evan today is a mostly happy, very talkative, inquisitive, sneaky, and completely SILLY SILLY boy. He puts me through my paces on a lot of days, but I remind myself that he IS 3-1/2 years old, after all.

MY BACK STORY

OK, I'm not sure how much my kids will let me sit down to type right now, so this might be done in small spurts of posts. (hee hee)

MY BACK STORY:

Of course all of this started with Tim & I. We met on the Internet back in 1999. It was just after my grandmother who raised me had passed away, and Tim's beloved grandfather had passed away.

We met on a Personals site, but just chatted for a few months and also offered one another support while we were grieving our losses. At the time, I was in another relationship that was over, but we were still living together (don't worry - Tim knew this!), so going out with Tim would have been a little... well... WEIRD. LOL!

Once I was about to move out, Tim & I talked on the phone for the first time. It was clear from the moment we chatted that he was just as genuine, kind & wonderful as he seemed online. So we set up a date!

We first met at a restaurant, to make sure we clicked in-person as well. It went very, very well! Conversation was easy, and I loved his looks! So the next day, we went to the St. Louis Rams playoff game, where they ended up winning the championship!! This was the year they ended up winning the Super Bowl! Nice start to a relationship, eh???

Anyhow, after that, we hung out & went out here and there. I moved out from my ex-boyfriend, and got my own 1-bedroom apartment.

We very quickly ended up spending every spare moment together. I couldn't imagine NOT having him in my life. We always had a blast together. One of "our" places still to this day is a local restaurant called CJ Mugg's. We'd go there and order Margaritas and have dinner and chat and hold hands. I remember one night, a server came up to us & said, "You know, I don't think I've ever seen 2 people who were more clearly in love!". And she was right.

So from there, one thing led to another and we got engaged on Feb. 19, 2001. We did all the planning ourselves and it was AMAZING. We had our reception at a main hall at the St. Louis Zoo & it was breathtaking and awesome. We took our honeymoon at DisneyWorld & immediately loved it there!

***FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS***

We knew we wanted to start a family, so I excitedly began taking prenatal vitamins and reading all kinds of books and of course, well... trying. LOL!

Just a couple of short months later, we were overjoyed to learn we were expecting our FIRST CHILD!!! I went to the doctor, had a blood draw & awaited the results. I assumed since I had a positive pregnancy test, that I WOULD have a baby - right????

They called me back the next day and said the numbers were quite low, but we'd just see where they went from here. They did another draw. After that, they went up but not quite as much as they expected. I ignorantly thought it would be OK, though. After a 3rd blood draw they told me there was very little chance this would be a viable pregnancy. I was crushed beyond anything I could imagine. How could this be???? It was my first pregnancy!

We watched the HCG numbers for a while after that and when it became clear that they weren't doubling at all, my doctor gave me the option of letting nature take it's course or scheduling a D&C. Tim & I went home, cried our eyes out for a couple of days, and decided on a D&C with a heavy heart. On the day of the D&C, when they had me in a hospital gown on a stretcher, Tim started to cry. I had never seen him cry before that.

Once I had physically recovered from the D&C, I was eager to try again. But mainly, I was terrified. What if I could never have a baby? What if something was wrong with the baby if we did? Would I keep having miscarriages? Could I handle that again????

***ANOTHER CHANCE***

To our great surprise, we got pregnant the first time we tried after the miscarriage! I was, of course, happy - but also terrified. But after a few good blood draws, things were looking up! I was so thrilled!! We were going to be parents after all! Then after 41 long weeks, our first child was welcomed in to the world. Evan. Our precious son. I've never been more proud & overjoyed than when I first held him in my arms.

***AGAIN?????***

So, when Evan turned 7 months old, we decided we'd "start" to try for a second child. I thought it should take at least a few months. So we figured we had time to wrap our heads around the idea of a second child. Ummmm... nope! First try, and BAM! Pregnant! I was FLOORED. Even though it had happened quickly for us in the past, I have never taken it for granted. I know anything can happen on the road to trying to conceive. Well, apparently not this time! I was in shock for a few weeks after I found out (they'd be a little less than 17 months apart!!!). But once I got used to the idea, I was OVER THE MOON. Then on April 24, our perfect princess, Ally, arrived to charm her way in to our lives. And believe me, she IS a charmer!!!

After having one child of each gender, I thought surely we were done having children. And for a while, I was OK with that. Considering how overwhelmed I was at first, and having endured Post Partum Depression after having Ally, I just didn't think another child was in the cards for us.


***BUT....***

After me prodding him for information, Tim finally admitted that he would love to have just one more child. At first, I didn't know how to react. I was pretty surprised that he felt that way. But after mulling it over for a few months, something in me clicked and I just KNEW that I wanted one more child as well. I shared this with Tim, and he was of course on board with the idea.

So now we found ourselves on the crazy Trying To Conceive journey again. I started on prenatal vitamins & powered up my fertility monitor.

HOLY COW! On the first try - again - I found myself pregnant! What are the odds of this happening so quickly again???? Since I just had 2 healthy babies/pregancies in a row, I had no doubt this one would be fine too.

Sadly, after many many confusing blood draws and my body doing very, very strange things we realized we were going to have to endure another loss. I wept & wept until I didn't have any tears left. We had a D&C, and I mourned the loss of another angel. I was beside myself. My doctor offered to run some tests at that point but I refused and said, "No, let's just try again and see what happens".

****TRYING AGAIN***

After a couple of months, we started trying again. And a couple of months later, we were pregnant again. YAY!!!! I didn't think there was any way in HECK that I'd lose ANOTHER one - right???? No WAY, Jose. I *felt* more pregnant this time. This was different. This was IT. I KNEW it.

Wrong.

We ended up losing that pregnancy early on as well.

This was more than my mind could process. HOW could this be???? WHY could this be???? What did I do wrong???? What's wrong with me???? I dove in to my own head for a while, and was beginning to act out my internal frustrations on others. I was taking out my internalized anger on my poor children and husband: the very people who support & love me.

***FOUND LIKE-MINDED WOMEN WHO I LOVE***

After being at the darkest place I've been since I had Post Partum Depression, I turned to the Internet for support. I found the American Pregnancy Association discussion forums. There were ladies who were trying to conceive, and ladies who were trying to conceive after having loss(es). I especially connected with a few ladies from the Trying To Conceive After Pregnancy Loss section.

They offered love, understanding, support and care that I hadn't found elsewhere. They were the ones who took me by the hand and pulled me out of the deep waters of depression. I never knew that Internet friends could be as true of friends as anyone I've ever met in person - but believe me... they ARE.

These ladies are honest, sincere, kind and wonderful. I'm so blessed to have them as a part of my life.

***LET'S TRY THIS ONE. MORE. TIME.***

So after a couple more months of recovery from my third loss, my doctor ran a battery of tests to try & figure out a reason for the recurrent losses. Not much was found, except that I apparently have Homozygous MTHFR, which is a genetic mutation that keeps the body from properly metabolizing folic acid. I was also borderline for a clotting disorder. So my doctor put me on Folgard (a super-charged folic acid supplement) & said once I conceived he'd put me on baby aspirin & Lovenox injections (blood thinners) to give me a higher likelihood of maintaining a pregnancy.

After a few rocky months of trying, I was pissed off at my body. All the miscarriages had really thrown my cycles for a loop & I just knew we had to do something about it. I tracked my ovulation dates for a few months and reported them to my doctor. He put me on Clomid to help make me ovulate sooner. And BAM! It did!!!

***TESTING DAY***

So I was only 8 days past ovulation. WAAAAAY to early to test normally. But me being me (crazy impatient) went ahead & tested anyway. HOLY CRAP! Is that a teeny tiny faint second line I see???????

The next day I peed on a stick again, and WOWZA! Yep, that's a second line alright! I was THRILLED!!!!

But T-E-R-R-I-F-E-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So off to the doctor I went. First blood draw was a good starting number, but the first number doesn't mean much so we wait & see.

Second blood draw looks great, but I'm still not convinced. I'm still not sleeping at night. I'm still afraid beyond belief. Third blood draw is good. OK.... I guess I'm beginning to feel a LITTLE better.

Fourth blood draw is STILL good. Is that angels I hear singing???? YIPPEE!!!

So then we saw that precious, precious heartbeat a little while later.

Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God. This is all I can think to myself.

***WHEW! So that's my whole story in a tiny nutshell up to this point. From here, I'll just be blogging about my day-to-day happenings (not always very exciting, I know!). If you've made it this far in reading then CONGRATULATIONS! LOL!***

I have my 8 week "pregnancy confirmation" (their term for the appointment) check-up today, and my THIRD ultrasound already!

I'm looking forward to seeing our little miracle again today. Seeing how much it's grown already is still a wonder to me - no matter how many times I've done this before. I'll post a pic from the u/s once I get back from my appointment.

At this point, I'm still feeling QUITE nauseous a lot of the time. But I'm chalking that up to normal morning (or all day - LOL) sickness & the extra progesterone supplements. Other than that, I just feel the normal 1st trimester tiredness. I'm trying not to complain about it too much, though. This is what I asked for after all, right?

Well, here I am!

I am now 8 weeks 3 days pregnant with our 3rd child. I figured it's about time that I got my thoughts down on virtual paper before the madness (and joy!) of having 3 children 4 and under begins!!!