MY BACK STORY

OK, I'm not sure how much my kids will let me sit down to type right now, so this might be done in small spurts of posts. (hee hee)

MY BACK STORY:

Of course all of this started with Tim & I. We met on the Internet back in 1999. It was just after my grandmother who raised me had passed away, and Tim's beloved grandfather had passed away.

We met on a Personals site, but just chatted for a few months and also offered one another support while we were grieving our losses. At the time, I was in another relationship that was over, but we were still living together (don't worry - Tim knew this!), so going out with Tim would have been a little... well... WEIRD. LOL!

Once I was about to move out, Tim & I talked on the phone for the first time. It was clear from the moment we chatted that he was just as genuine, kind & wonderful as he seemed online. So we set up a date!

We first met at a restaurant, to make sure we clicked in-person as well. It went very, very well! Conversation was easy, and I loved his looks! So the next day, we went to the St. Louis Rams playoff game, where they ended up winning the championship!! This was the year they ended up winning the Super Bowl! Nice start to a relationship, eh???

Anyhow, after that, we hung out & went out here and there. I moved out from my ex-boyfriend, and got my own 1-bedroom apartment.

We very quickly ended up spending every spare moment together. I couldn't imagine NOT having him in my life. We always had a blast together. One of "our" places still to this day is a local restaurant called CJ Mugg's. We'd go there and order Margaritas and have dinner and chat and hold hands. I remember one night, a server came up to us & said, "You know, I don't think I've ever seen 2 people who were more clearly in love!". And she was right.

So from there, one thing led to another and we got engaged on Feb. 19, 2001. We did all the planning ourselves and it was AMAZING. We had our reception at a main hall at the St. Louis Zoo & it was breathtaking and awesome. We took our honeymoon at DisneyWorld & immediately loved it there!

***FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS***

We knew we wanted to start a family, so I excitedly began taking prenatal vitamins and reading all kinds of books and of course, well... trying. LOL!

Just a couple of short months later, we were overjoyed to learn we were expecting our FIRST CHILD!!! I went to the doctor, had a blood draw & awaited the results. I assumed since I had a positive pregnancy test, that I WOULD have a baby - right????

They called me back the next day and said the numbers were quite low, but we'd just see where they went from here. They did another draw. After that, they went up but not quite as much as they expected. I ignorantly thought it would be OK, though. After a 3rd blood draw they told me there was very little chance this would be a viable pregnancy. I was crushed beyond anything I could imagine. How could this be???? It was my first pregnancy!

We watched the HCG numbers for a while after that and when it became clear that they weren't doubling at all, my doctor gave me the option of letting nature take it's course or scheduling a D&C. Tim & I went home, cried our eyes out for a couple of days, and decided on a D&C with a heavy heart. On the day of the D&C, when they had me in a hospital gown on a stretcher, Tim started to cry. I had never seen him cry before that.

Once I had physically recovered from the D&C, I was eager to try again. But mainly, I was terrified. What if I could never have a baby? What if something was wrong with the baby if we did? Would I keep having miscarriages? Could I handle that again????

***ANOTHER CHANCE***

To our great surprise, we got pregnant the first time we tried after the miscarriage! I was, of course, happy - but also terrified. But after a few good blood draws, things were looking up! I was so thrilled!! We were going to be parents after all! Then after 41 long weeks, our first child was welcomed in to the world. Evan. Our precious son. I've never been more proud & overjoyed than when I first held him in my arms.

***AGAIN?????***

So, when Evan turned 7 months old, we decided we'd "start" to try for a second child. I thought it should take at least a few months. So we figured we had time to wrap our heads around the idea of a second child. Ummmm... nope! First try, and BAM! Pregnant! I was FLOORED. Even though it had happened quickly for us in the past, I have never taken it for granted. I know anything can happen on the road to trying to conceive. Well, apparently not this time! I was in shock for a few weeks after I found out (they'd be a little less than 17 months apart!!!). But once I got used to the idea, I was OVER THE MOON. Then on April 24, our perfect princess, Ally, arrived to charm her way in to our lives. And believe me, she IS a charmer!!!

After having one child of each gender, I thought surely we were done having children. And for a while, I was OK with that. Considering how overwhelmed I was at first, and having endured Post Partum Depression after having Ally, I just didn't think another child was in the cards for us.


***BUT....***

After me prodding him for information, Tim finally admitted that he would love to have just one more child. At first, I didn't know how to react. I was pretty surprised that he felt that way. But after mulling it over for a few months, something in me clicked and I just KNEW that I wanted one more child as well. I shared this with Tim, and he was of course on board with the idea.

So now we found ourselves on the crazy Trying To Conceive journey again. I started on prenatal vitamins & powered up my fertility monitor.

HOLY COW! On the first try - again - I found myself pregnant! What are the odds of this happening so quickly again???? Since I just had 2 healthy babies/pregancies in a row, I had no doubt this one would be fine too.

Sadly, after many many confusing blood draws and my body doing very, very strange things we realized we were going to have to endure another loss. I wept & wept until I didn't have any tears left. We had a D&C, and I mourned the loss of another angel. I was beside myself. My doctor offered to run some tests at that point but I refused and said, "No, let's just try again and see what happens".

****TRYING AGAIN***

After a couple of months, we started trying again. And a couple of months later, we were pregnant again. YAY!!!! I didn't think there was any way in HECK that I'd lose ANOTHER one - right???? No WAY, Jose. I *felt* more pregnant this time. This was different. This was IT. I KNEW it.

Wrong.

We ended up losing that pregnancy early on as well.

This was more than my mind could process. HOW could this be???? WHY could this be???? What did I do wrong???? What's wrong with me???? I dove in to my own head for a while, and was beginning to act out my internal frustrations on others. I was taking out my internalized anger on my poor children and husband: the very people who support & love me.

***FOUND LIKE-MINDED WOMEN WHO I LOVE***

After being at the darkest place I've been since I had Post Partum Depression, I turned to the Internet for support. I found the American Pregnancy Association discussion forums. There were ladies who were trying to conceive, and ladies who were trying to conceive after having loss(es). I especially connected with a few ladies from the Trying To Conceive After Pregnancy Loss section.

They offered love, understanding, support and care that I hadn't found elsewhere. They were the ones who took me by the hand and pulled me out of the deep waters of depression. I never knew that Internet friends could be as true of friends as anyone I've ever met in person - but believe me... they ARE.

These ladies are honest, sincere, kind and wonderful. I'm so blessed to have them as a part of my life.

***LET'S TRY THIS ONE. MORE. TIME.***

So after a couple more months of recovery from my third loss, my doctor ran a battery of tests to try & figure out a reason for the recurrent losses. Not much was found, except that I apparently have Homozygous MTHFR, which is a genetic mutation that keeps the body from properly metabolizing folic acid. I was also borderline for a clotting disorder. So my doctor put me on Folgard (a super-charged folic acid supplement) & said once I conceived he'd put me on baby aspirin & Lovenox injections (blood thinners) to give me a higher likelihood of maintaining a pregnancy.

After a few rocky months of trying, I was pissed off at my body. All the miscarriages had really thrown my cycles for a loop & I just knew we had to do something about it. I tracked my ovulation dates for a few months and reported them to my doctor. He put me on Clomid to help make me ovulate sooner. And BAM! It did!!!

***TESTING DAY***

So I was only 8 days past ovulation. WAAAAAY to early to test normally. But me being me (crazy impatient) went ahead & tested anyway. HOLY CRAP! Is that a teeny tiny faint second line I see???????

The next day I peed on a stick again, and WOWZA! Yep, that's a second line alright! I was THRILLED!!!!

But T-E-R-R-I-F-E-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So off to the doctor I went. First blood draw was a good starting number, but the first number doesn't mean much so we wait & see.

Second blood draw looks great, but I'm still not convinced. I'm still not sleeping at night. I'm still afraid beyond belief. Third blood draw is good. OK.... I guess I'm beginning to feel a LITTLE better.

Fourth blood draw is STILL good. Is that angels I hear singing???? YIPPEE!!!

So then we saw that precious, precious heartbeat a little while later.

Thank You, God. Thank You, God. Thank You, God. This is all I can think to myself.

***WHEW! So that's my whole story in a tiny nutshell up to this point. From here, I'll just be blogging about my day-to-day happenings (not always very exciting, I know!). If you've made it this far in reading then CONGRATULATIONS! LOL!***